World Peace – Where Does Kindness Fit In?

When you are grieving, the “experts” (i.e. the books and authors I turn to for comfort) tell us that if you loved passionately and deeply, then you need to grieve passionately and deeply. You can’t really have one without the other. In order to survive the loss we must embrace and express all of the emotions we feel as we mourn. Not only that, but we need to have available to us people who listen and allow us to mourn openly and in their presence. Grieving in isolation only adds to the loneliness we already feel.

Those same experts will tell you that everybody’s grief journey is different from everyone else’s. It’s impossible to compare your process of mourning with anyone else because the relationship you are grieving is unique, even if you and someone else are grieving the loss of the same person. We all experience it differently, so those around us who are supporting us in our grief are going to see my grief expressed differently from anyone else they may have supported.

So grieving is not a solo ride. In order to get to the place where I can move forward and live my life fully again but without Jay by my side, I have to be willing to reach out to others and expose the underbelly of my emotions. I have to trust that those with whom I share my raw emotions will be there to listen and care for me. It is not an easy task to expose your vulnerability in all its glory with someone else, no matter how good a friend they are or how close of a family member.  Yet I believe the experts when they tell me that this is a necessary part of the process. We are social beings and need the presence and comfort of others.

Our society for the most part doesn’t value this open expression of emotion. Men and boys especially are often vilified for it. Crying in public is characterized disparagingly as a female emotion. How many times are boys told, “Stop crying like a little girl!” Or, “Don’t be a sissy!” Of course, girls hear the boys being told that and immediately understand it for the insult to girls that it is, and they, along with the boys, begin pushing those emotions under the carpet, rarely to be seen in the open. No one wants to be perceived as weak, especially in the competitive environment that is the United States.

My husband Jay was at times a victim of this societal pressure to fit the American male stereotype. He was 64 when he died, and although he was quite progressive in many ways (he pretty much had to be in order to live 37 years with me…), he could be rather archaic in the way he thought about what it meant to be a man. While he was actually quite tender and soft, he could often be “over the top” in the way he talked about or took on the role of what he thought a “manly man” should be. It was often done tongue in cheek for the benefit of his audience and could also be quite humorous, as my nephews will tell you. (but also annoying for this die-hard feminist)

The Kindness Theory of World Peace

But I digress. What does all this have to do with the Kindness Continuum? Well, I believe that the reluctance we have in showing our emotions to others in general but especially when we are grieving is similar to the reluctance we have sometimes in exhibiting overt kindness toward others, especially those with whom we may have a “problem.”

Recently I have been exploring other kindness related web resources out there in cyberspace and beyond. I am struck by the number of articles, books and websites devoted to kindness that encourage us all to join the “kindness revolution” or become part of a “movement” to increase kindness around the world. Many are devoted to extolling the virtues of random acts of kindness, in the belief that one single act of kindness toward someone else will start a chain reaction of kindness that expands exponentially into the future, as more and more people incorporate more and more acts of kindness into their everyday lives.

As I understand it, the theory appears to be that spreading and expanding kindness in this way will lead to world peace. I think it may be a bit more complicated than that.

I get it that world peace has to start somewhere, but if this theory is true then why is there still so much hate in the world? Why are we still so polarized in our political beliefs and values that our government is barely able to function? Why is it so difficult for us to respect the views and values of someone else and behave accordingly? Why do we lash out and avoid rather than reach out and embrace? What is getting in the way of all that kindness and why don’t we seem to be progressing forward in this important endeavor?  When I look around I’m just not seeing much evidence of a kindness revolution taking over our country, and don’t even get me started on what’s going on around the world!

The Kindness Theory vs. The Kindness Continuum

It’s a nice theory, but it doesn’t tell the whole story. We all fall into the trap of being kind to some people and not so kind to others who we don’t like so much, or who we don’t even know. We are quick to judge others based on little or no information. We preach kindness and the golden rule to our children, yet demonstrate to them (often right in front of them) the exact opposite of that in the way we talk to and about others.  Why is it so easy for us to talk the talk, but not be able to walk the walk? Our attitudes and behavior constantly are moving up and down the Continuum as a matter of convenience for ourselves, and this can have immense repercussions on a large scale, especially when it comes to making policy.

These questions intrigue me and make me want to understand the motivations behind our inconsistent behaviors. There is plenty of research out there that tells us one of the secrets to happiness and life satisfaction is human connection. When we feel connected to others and have positive social interactions we tend to be healthier and thrive and live longer. This is well documented. When we are separated and live more isolated lives, we are less happy, less healthy, and live shorter lives. So why do many of us often choose separation rather than connection?

Them vs. Us

When I talk about isolation and separation, I’m not talking  about living a life as a hermit, with no one around. It is possible to be very isolated even while surrounded by others. We erect emotional barriers that push people away and keep them away. We all know people who are not pleasant to be around, and we avoid interacting with them because it saps so much emotional energy. Certain people “push our buttons” and we recoil as soon as they start talking or walk into a room. There are some people with whom every interaction becomes one characterized by conflict, confrontation and frustration. We start getting angry just by thinking about that person. Sound at all familiar?

So is the problem that person or is it us? Are we doing the pushing away or is the other person? Are they pushing our buttons or are we pushing theirs? And how do we react when our buttons get pushed? Do we respond in a kind and respectful manner or in an angry, confrontational manner? Do we think before we respond? Or do we just seethe in private and avoid any conversation at all?

The Kindness Continuum allows for the possibility that there are degrees of kindness in every interaction. Communication, both verbal and nonverbal, is a two way street. How someone responds to us often depends on how we say what we say. When communications and attitudes toward others are based on assumptions that are faulty, with little or no evidence to support them, then bad things can begin to happen.  Wide ranging repercussions can go way beyond an original interaction and end up impacting policy decisions.

For example, there is a fair amount of evidence to suggest that we can reduce the number of people returning to prison after serving their time by offering them resources and support, and treating them with kindness and respect even while they are being punished. Yet as a society we think nothing of basically throwing someone’s life away and making it virtually impossible for them to rehabilitate and be productive after serving their time. All because we refuse to see them as people with potential and only see them as “bad” people who will never again be worthy of kindness or respect or personal dignity. Our individual willingness to throw people away gets translated to policies that have resulted in the United States having the highest rate of incarceration in the world.  When it happens to young boys and girls, those negative repercussions last a lifetime.

Emotional Vulnerability and Kindness

So back to my question for us as individuals: why hasn’t the “kindness revolution” taken hold if we believe in the power of kind acts? I believe it has something to do with our emotional vulnerability. Looking at it very simplistically, pushing people away and walling ourselves off from others prevents us from opening ourselves up to disappointment, rejection, or someone else’s wrath.

Being kind takes work, emotional energy and requires a certain level of trust. We have to be willing to expend the energy to “put ourselves out there” and risk that the other person may not respond the way we want or expect. Avoiding connection with others insulates us and can be so much easier, but we pay a steep price for it in the long run. As for those of us who are grieving a significant loss, it is healthier for us as human beings to reach out and extend kindness to others even when it may not be reciprocated, rather than keep everything inside and avoid “risky” interactions.

Incorporating Small Kindnesses into Our Lives

One way to nurture kindness into our daily routine is to simply avoid making value judgments about others and avoid using “loaded” language when speaking to others. This technique requires intention, but doesn’t have to take a lot of extra effort.

As a trained mediator, I was taught how to communicate and express ideas in a neutral, non-judgmental way. While I’m definitely not perfect at it, this skill is extremely important when sitting between two combatants who are hurling insults and blame at each other for whatever is causing the conflict between them. The words coming out of their mouths directed at the other person can be cruel, demeaning, insulting and ugly. It becomes my job to help neutralize the ugliness so that they can actually talk to each other, hear the other’s point of view, and (hopefully) reach an amicable solution that satisfies both sides. As I try to gently move them up the Kindness Continuum, some people are able to open themselves to listening and respecting the other person’s point of view fairly easily. Solutions may be difficult, but in an atmosphere of respect and trust (and kindness), not unattainable. Others never get there and end up leaving the room still seething, without a shred of understanding or compassion for the other side.

The mediation example above illustrates the importance of embracing others and their perspectives, even when wildly different from our own. Doing so can deescalate a tense, volatile situation. But this requires a willingness to risk disappointment and rejection if that openness is not reciprocated. When kindness is reciprocated we are elated and feel great; when it is rejected we are crushed, and may blame ourselves. Often, there is no middle ground for our fragile emotions. Not wanting to risk the unpleasant emotional turmoil we feel when our overtures are rejected, we take the easy route and simply avoid situations where that could happen.

I challenge all of us to think about our daily human interactions, and how we contribute to the various separations and connections in our lives. Are we satisfied with what we find? Can we aspire to do better? I know I can do better, how about you?