Sometimes Good People Disappoint Us

We like to think the best of people, and when someone is kind and friendly to us, we may assume they are kind and friendly to everyone. But this is not always so, and every now and then we are reminded that some of us enjoy certain kindnesses that others do not. It is easy for many of us to go through life not noticing how some people are treated more unkindly than others, and it’s also easy to ignore it when it happens right in front of us and pretend that it isn’t there.

Case in point:

A young woman recently walked into a senior independent living facility on a beautiful Saturday morning. She was there to visit her boyfriend’s grandmother, and had been there many times before.  The building is a high rise apartment building.  Several hundred people live there, so it is not unusual for unknown people to be coming in and out. There is a front desk in the large lobby area and a registration book for visitors. The receptionist greets people coming in and might ask them to sign the guest book, although this is not consistent and many people simply walk right in. 

On this particular morning, the young woman was stopped as she was entering, and the receptionist said rather curtly, “Can I help you?” The woman replied that she was there to visit someone, and the receptionist asked, without either smile or greeting, “Who are you here to see?” My friend told her the name of the person and the receptionist said in a firm voice, still not smiling, “Do they know you? I haven’t seen you here before.” My friend answered, “I haven’t seen you here before either,” and proceeded to tell the receptionist all about the family, proving beyond doubt that she indeed did know the person she was there to visit. At that point, the receptionist softened and they actually exchanged some pleasantries as she was finally allowed to pass.

Kindness and Chance Encounters

At no time during the initial exchange did the receptionist point the young woman to the registration book, welcome her to the building, wish her a pleasant morning or otherwise make her feel welcome. Instead, the woman left the lobby area feeling that she had been challenged as someone who didn’t belong there and had to prove her right to be in the building. I believe it is significant that the visitor is black, and the receptionist is white. The family she was coming to see is white. It should perhaps also be pointed out that this residential facility has very few black residents, and many of the black women who come into the building are nurse’s aides. They always wear an identification badge as they come and go, which of course the young woman in question wasn’t wearing.

I know both of the women involved in this story. The young black woman is an energetic, friendly (one might say exuberant), ambitious young lady who will no doubt go far in whatever she decides to pursue in life. She is a joy to be around, yet is very aware that her black skin causes people to react to her in certain ways that she can’t always control. In this instance she stood up for her right to be treated with respect, asserting her right to be where she was and not apologizing for someone else’s discomfort with her presence. The respectful and assertive, yet non-combative, way this mature young lady dealt with such a personal indignity is noteworthy. As she stood her ground, she exhibited kindness toward the receptionist, who was not being at all kind. They parted on pleasant terms because of her willingness to be kind in that unkind circumstance.

My own personal experience and observation (up to this point) of the receptionist has been that she is openly friendly and welcoming to all who pass by her desk. She engages in conversation easily, always has a treat ready for dogs coming through the area, and often remembers the names of the various visitors who come in and out. While she has every right to make inquiries of anyone coming into the building and ask them to sign the guest registry, I have never seen her challenge anyone the way she challenged this young woman. Upon hearing about the encounter, I was left feeling deeply disappointed in her. I could only conclude that racial bias was at play. And given what I know about unconscious racial bias, I’m willing to bet that she probably wasn’t even aware that she was treating the young woman differently than she treats most everyone else who comes into the building.

Something got triggered when she saw this casually dressed young black woman coming through the door, and her immediate reaction was that she didn’t belong there and needed to be confronted in a certain forceful kind of way. She probably didn’t realize that when other (white) strangers come in and out they never get the same set of questions delivered with the same level of confrontation. It is these kinds of chance encounters that leave a bad taste in one’s mouth, perpetuate bias, and set the stage for future misunderstandings based on incorrect assumptions and misinformation.

Implicit Bias and the Kindness Continuum

Make no mistake, implicit or unconscious bias is a thing. It is backed up by extensive research and has a significant impact on our behaviors as we go about our day. While race is at the root of much of the unconscious bias in our lives, it is by no means the only personal characteristic we can be biased about – think age, gender, professions, etc. and the ways we are fed a constant barrage of judgmental information about various categories of people. We tend to listen to such information with an ear that confirms the hidden biases underneath.

If you aren’t familiar with the concept of implicit bias, here is a great explanation of the phenomenon, with some ideas on how to address it for ourselves and the world at large:

We are all works in progress. Because the nature of unconscious bias is that we are unaware of it, then we must be ever vigilant to hold ourselves to account when we see ourselves succumbing to its influence. Do we notice ourselves being kinder to some groups or individuals than others? Is this the result of a pattern of triggers that we have been living with all our lives?

There are many reasons for the existence of unconscious bias, and the media certainly plays a large part. How people are portrayed on TV, in movies, in advertising, etc. influences how we unconsciously perceive those people, and in turn how we interact with them. If we grew up with unflattering stories or images of certain groups of people, then we unconsciously tend to believe and react to those influences, even if we don’t think we do. The Kindness Continuum becomes rather fluid, depending on how much we are swayed day to day by these implicit, under the surface thoughts and feelings and impulses.

How we understand, perceive and then address our own unconscious biases can greatly impact how we understand, perceive and interact with the people around us. In the case described above, upon hearing the young black woman’s story of her encounter with the receptionist, the grandmother made a point to go downstairs with her when she was ready to leave. At the door (and in full view of the receptionist as well as anyone else who might have been in the lobby area), the grandmother gave the young woman a big hug, a kiss, and wished her well as she left the building. She modeled kindness without directly confronting the receptionist on her earlier behavior. Will the receptionist learn from that? Not clear, and perhaps it will require a more direct intervention to bring the receptionist’s bias into her own consciousness.

What other options existed in those moments that would foster and build upon a learning opportunity while also avoiding the blame/shame game that would serve little purpose? Thoughts? Comments?