In the United States it is all too apparent that we live in a society that values being “one up” on others whenever possible. Of course, that means that when we are “up” someone else is necessarily “down.” When we believe that we have the upper hand in a situation (or that we possess “more” of something than someone else) we often feel more confident, powerful, and in control of our own decisions and outcomes.
This ill-gotten boost to our self esteem makes us feel good, and to keep feeling good about ourselves we may try to keep the upper hand by continuing to put others down, sometimes in front of other people (think about the worst boss you ever had, or maybe you ARE that boss…). But when we are the ones putting others down, this feeling of satisfaction is only an illusion of our own creation. To maintain this illusion we must often resort to intimidation, manipulation, insults, or worse. Experts tell us that we are hard wired to play this game of oneupsmanship. In the moments when we are feeling the most vulnerable and the most powerless, or we fear we are losing control over a situation, we use this mammalian survival technique to not only feel better, but also to regain a feeling of control over our lives.
But at what cost do we give ourselves over to our primate brain governed by genetics and instinct, rather than using our human brain, with its ability to be reflective, ethical, and moral? Do we not have the power within us to foster a more humane existence for our species?
We think we feel better by “sticking it” to someone else, but in reality this behavior simply slides us the wrong way down the Kindness Continuum. Making someone else feel bad may make us feel good in that moment, but it doesn’t last, and it doesn’t bring us closer to others; rather, it simply pushes others away.
And thus the wall around us and our feelings gets higher and higher because we constantly look away to avoid facing the pain that we ourselves are causing someone else. There is no place for empathy because that would force us to actually experience that person’s pain, and who wants that? Then we might have to do something about it. Empathy, however, is a critically important emotion in our lives, and its absence leads to severe negative outcomes to innocent people, as described further below.
We don’t have to look far to see how prevalent our “put down” culture is in the United States. It can easily occur on an individual level, such as in the following example:
You are at a restaurant with a close relative and a person who is overweight passes by your table. Your relative says in a voice definitely within earshot of the person walking by, “There sure are a lot of fat people at this place. I hope she isn’t planning to order dessert.” The person flinches ever so slightly and keeps on walking, not making eye contact with anyone.
Why on earth would anyone say such a thing? And yet I was witness to this very scene, perpetrated by an older person who was totally immune to any attempt to hold them to account for such open and public cruelty. This is what I would call a “gratuitous” unkind act, which I define loosely as an act that has no other purpose than to “stick it to” another person (or group) and make them feel bad about themselves. There are other versions of this type of unkind act that we have seen reported rather frequently in the last couple of years, and they often have blatant racist overtones, and involve direct confrontation with the person on the receiving end. What do we do when we are witness to such unkindness? What if the perpetrator is someone we love? To the extent that we are made uncomfortable by such acts, what is our responsibility to call out the person or support the victim? Social media and the ability to capture a video easily and quickly certainly have raised the awareness of the ubiquitous nature of such behavior, but could we be doing more, and what might that be?
Does it make any difference that the person being disparaged is not within earshot of the person making the unkind remarks? If the target of the unkindness isn’t aware of the unkind act, is it still unkind, and if so, what is to be done? An extension of this problem is that posed by “jokes” that target certain population groups, thus perpetuating gender, religious, ethnic, racial stereotypes that in turn shape societal attitudes and beliefs.
Comedians complain about their craft becoming victim to excessive political correctness “policing,” but is it really? Is the issue a first Amendment free speech one, or is it a bigger problem that people feel so free to disparage entire groups of people with impunity, with no accountability for the harm that it causes? Research tells us that disparagement humor can have severe negative consequences. Labeling something “just a joke” doesn’t cure the problem. Words, and the biases (explicit or implicit) they express, have consequences and can indeed cause harm. They shape public opinion about what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t, or who we need to be afraid of and who we don’t. That public perception fueled by bias then influences public policy, which can affect different population groups in dramatically different ways.
This issue of policy being influenced by unkind biases is not merely an academic debate. The most dramatic recent example I can think of to illustrate this point is the horrendous separation of thousands of immigrant children from their parents. This particular policy, with its callous and inhumane indifference to the likely irreparable harm inflicted on these children and their families, is simply unfathomable to me. It keeps me up at night. The images and videos make me physically ill (including a video that shows the unrelenting press corps as they chase a father and shove cameras and microphones in his face as he walks down the airport concourse with his small, obviously traumatized, son in his arms). The personal accounts I have seen of legal professionals, acting on behalf of these families, trying to navigate the chaotic mess that has been created, coupled with the lack of any shred of personal or governmental accountability, is mind boggling. Families are being reunited only because a federal judge has had the courage to hold the government’s feet to the fire, and for no other reason.
The gratuitous, totally avoidable, trauma suffered by these families will have lasting consequences. As of this writing, it appears probable that a certain number of these children will never be reunited with their parents. Any student of human behavior or psychology or child development will be quick to tell you that such a policy has the potential to do great and irreparable harm to the long term emotional stability of both the parents and the children. Let me repeat: this unnecessary trauma will have a permanent impact on the lives of these children and their future success as adults. As I read the accounts of how this policy is affecting families and children, I feel disappointment and anger (and yes, even disgust) toward the “leaders” who put this plan into action. Regardless of where anyone stands on the immigration debate, there is simply no excuse and no rationale that would make it okay under any circumstances for my government to intentionally inflict such injury on so many people. I feel shame that my country that I love chose this utterly devastating path rather than exploring a more humane approach to the issue they thought needed to be addressed. Being more thoughtful and yes, more kind, would not have been so hard.
I’m not going to pretend to have all the answers when it comes to immigration policy. But I do have a big problem with any policy that deliberately breaks up families, intentionally causes trauma to young children, and repeatedly demonstrates no regard whatsoever for their fellow human beings. These immigrants’ only crime was deciding to risk everything in order to flee the horrendous conditions in their home country and try to forge a better life in the United States. Is that so different from what our own ancestors did (for those of us who have been here for several generations)? That kind of courage and fortitude deserves respect no matter what, and whatever anyone thinks about the merit of their reasons for coming here, the people who cross the border are human beings, and deserve to be treated humanely and with dignity. Those children will grow up someday, and their success as adults (and their attitudes toward the United States) will be influenced by the traumas they were forced to endure at the hands of the U.S. government.
I worry that the small acts of unkindness we witness (or perpetrate) everyday, lead to immunity from the effects of larger acts of unkindness perpetrated by our elected officials. Do we look away and hope it all gets resolved someday, or do we take a more active role in holding people accountable for their unkind acts? And if the latter is the path we want to follow, how do we go about that and still maintain our own desired position on The Kindness Continuum?
We can do ourselves and our country a small, fairly easy act of kindness by simply becoming more civically engaged. With that in mind, I encourage us all to vote this year and when we do, let’s keep The Kindness Continuum in the back of our mind as we review the attitudes and records of those who are asking for our votes and expecting us to trust them with our futures. Given the importance of this election, this probably won’t be the last time I mention the importance of voting. Don’t sit out the primaries this year – they are more important than ever!