Let’s Get Started! What exactly is the Kindness Continuum?

Why Kindness Continuum?

What do I mean by the Kindness Continuum and why did I choose that for my blog? Let’s break it down by looking at a simple example of something that happened to me recently.

A person cut me off at a fast food drive-thru window and inserted her car in front of mine. I was on my way somewhere and in a hurry, and became extremely upset at this rudeness. I wanted to give the other driver a piece of my mind, but she completely ignored me and wouldn’t look my way. Still fuming, I finally got to the window to pay for my order, only to discover that the person in front of me  (yes, the very same person that cut me off so rudely) paid for my lunch and then drove off without having ordered anything for herself.

What is Kindness?

We all know what kindness means, right? It’s one of those things that  “we know it when we see it” (kind of like the way Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart defined pornography in 1964). To me, the word implies an act or failure to act on one person’s part that is intentional and directed toward someone or something else. In the example above, the woman who paid for my meal was intentional about what she did, and it was directed at me, a total stranger.

When we are the recipients of someone else’s kindness, we naturally experience positive emotions. These positive emotions may start a chain reaction and cause us to be kind to someone else. All of this can happen in the blink of an eye and we aren’t always even conscious of the kindnesses we do for others or that they are doing for us. In my case, I definitely felt positive emotions, but also mixed with shame for having made assumptions about the woman that clearly were not warranted. How quick we judge!!

What is a Continuum?

Continuum refers to a scale, commonly drawn as a straight line with the polar opposites at the two ends. I see the Kindness Continuum that way, and imagine Hitler at the left end and Mother Theresa at the right. I think I can safely say that most of the rest of us fall somewhere between those two extremes, right? How we choose to measure ourselves and where we place ourselves on that continuum is intensely personal. I would not presume to make that call for anyone other than myself. When I realized what the woman had done for me, I felt rather foolish at being so upset, and understood immediately that my anger toward her was rather disproportionate to the “crime” I believe she had committed. In that moment I moved a bit toward the left end of the continuum, and there was no doubt that she was to the right of me and closer to Mother Theresa.

The woman definitely got me thinking about my attitude in the moment of getting cut off. I reflected on the fact that I knew nothing about her but had been immediately willing to assign all kinds of nasty and selfish traits to her when I could have granted her a bit more grace while I waited. After all, we’re only talking a difference of a few short minutes in the great scheme of the world. So what if I got my sandwich five minutes later than I would have otherwise? I definitely learned something important that I hope will make a positive difference in the lives of others I encounter throughout each day.

I do believe that true kindness requires authenticity, genuine compassion, and empathy for others.  In this example the woman was not looking for any immediate reward or even acknowledgement for what she did for me. From all appearances it was a completely selfless act. I suppose an argument could be made that a person can perceive an act as being kind even though it may have been delivered with none of those attributes I just described, and I have no idea what this woman’s motives might have been. That said, from my perspective this woman did me a kindness in the truest sense of the word.

So who gets to decide whether a kindness has taken place or not? Does it matter? How do we know what is a kind act and what is not? Is kindness defined through the eyes and experiences only of those on the receiving end? Or does the person doing the act get to decide the degree of kindness that an act represents, whether or not the intended recipient agrees? What are the consequences of the misunderstanding when the doer of the act and the person on the receiving end see the act very differently? The answers are not always clear, but we will try to explore some of these interesting questions in future blogs.

Be well, and let me know your thoughts about some of the ideas expressed here. And when you have a chance, take some time to reflect on where you might place yourself on the Kindness Continuum.